Small Motions & Imposter Syndrome
đź‘‹ Hey friends
I’m Chelsea. I work in marketing for two companies, Lumastic and Design by Vie. At Lumastic, some people call me Head of Marketing. At Design by Vie, some people call me the COO. Drew Lytle is all of these people, but this isn’t a blog post about what it’s like being friends with someone who could believe that a literal wash cloth has earth-shattering potential. This is about imposter syndrome, and I have a lot of it. (Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.)
I have this running joke with myself that I’m sifting through a million one-dollar ideas to find the one million-dollar idea. These ideas range in complexity. One of them is for a book of crass poetry entitled, “Pooetry: Poems to Read on the Toilet”. Another idea I have is to open a 24hr coffee shop and gourmet cereal bar. At one point, I drafted a business plan for an in-home, pro-bono, rehabilitation program for victims of substance abuse. I’ve written many choruses and verses for songs that remain unproduced. I have hours of video footage for a YouTube channel I’ve yet to start. I have several ideas and outlines for various radio shows (and even the wholehearted support of a radio station backing me). Behind me is an unfinished gathered skirt I started to sew.
As I’m synthesizing these thoughts I’m teleported to my childhood home. I’m a kid again and my mom is going behind me after I’ve finished my chores. There’s a dirt pile in the corner of the living room that I forgot to sweep up, and there’s a pile of books and papers I moved out of the way when I was dusting. She sees things out of place and sighs.
“Why can’t you finish the job?”.
Imposter Syndrome is a bit of a misnomer. It’s not recognized in the DSM (aka the psychology bible) as any type of mental disorder. I did some research (aka I did a Google and found this article from Time Magazine) and I learned that it is a psychological phenomena that’s been studied by Pauline Clance. For kicks, I even took her assessment to find out if I actually have imposter syndrome.
Here’s a snippet of the description explaining how to interpret the results:
"a score between 61 and 80 means the respondent frequently has Impostor feelings; and a score higher than 80 means the respondent often has intense IP experiences. The higher the score, the more frequently and seriously the Impostor Phenomenon interferes in a person’s life."
I scored a whopping 120.
If I had to find the origin of my imposter syndrome, of course I’d have to trace it back to my childhood. It probably had something to do with attending an arts high school and going to counseling for performance anxiety. Maybe it started when I became self conscious of my body. Regardless of how, when, or where it started, the sad truth is that I wrestle with deep feelings of worthlessness, and adjacent to that is a pervasive negative thought that follows me around. It tells me I’m not deserving of good things. (Seriously, don’t worry. I really am in therapy!)
The cognitive dissonance in my life is that I’m someone who immensely believes in the worth and potential of other people, even though I’m not confident in myself. I have a tendency to pour into humans, becoming immersed in their lives, to encourage them to open up and be their full selves. I’ve even been told that being on the receiving end can be intense. I want to know what’s stopping people from reaching their goals and I want to be the person to help them kick that obstacle out of the way. There’s no greater joy to me than seeing a person become their greatest advocate.
Small Motions
One of my side hustles is that I work at a Fancy Gym. A Fancy Gym is the kind of gym where people pay a lot of money to attend a workout class at a place that’s designed to look like a club instead. It’s got lights, a sound system, a disco ball, the works. I work here because I’ll only go to the gym if I’m paid to be there.
I was taking a class once and one of the trainers was leading us through a series of exercises at the ballet barre. After what seemed like a hundred leg lifts on one side, I looked down and my leg was barely moving, just hovering inches away from the ground. The trainer looked over at me and in true cheerleader spirit said “even small motions here are giving you a good workout”.
At the time I rolled my eyes. When I’m writing this, I almost have to wipe them.
Closing thoughts
I’d venture to say that wrestling with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy are universal experiences. Creators and entrepreneurs have to fight these feelings frequently. If you’ve read this far and you were expecting to find a solution or advice, I’m sorry to disappoint. I can only offer solidarity. That’s what my trainer was doing that day when she saw my legs shaking. And that’s what I hope this blog post is doing for you.
You aren’t alone. You will look back on a series of very small motions that added up to something greater.